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ToggleIn the journey of building healthy relationships, couples often seek relationship counseling for a myriad of reasons. No matter what issues they bring to therapy, it often boils down to a fundamental problem: the lack of emotional safety in their relationship. But let’s be clear, it’s not just the most hostile or distant couples who face this challenge. Even those who tend to minimize their feelings or avoid conflict can find themselves at risk.
Emotional safety is the foundation of healthy relationships. It exists when both partners feel:
- Respected
- They can trust each other
- Prioritized
- Heard
- Understood
- Validated
- Empathized with
- Loved
If you’ve been struggling to communicate, find yourself easily drawn into conflict, or feel like you’re sweeping feelings under the rug, it’s crucial to do a deeper check on the status of your relationship. These are often signs of distress that shouldn’t be ignored.
To gain insight into your own relationship, try a quick mini-assessment by rating how you feel in the following areas on a scale of 1-10:
Respect
How respected do you feel by your partner? Those who report low levels of respect often experience criticism, judgment, or neglect. Perhaps your partner makes important decisions without you, which can erode your sense of worth in the relationship.
Trust
Are you confident your partner will not betray you? Trust violations can be both physical and emotional, leading to insecurity and impacting your self-esteem. A lack of trust can make you question the very foundation of your healthy relationship.
Prioritization
Do you feel prioritized by your partner? Feeling neglected or like you’re not a priority can lead you to wonder if you truly matter. When your partner spends more time with others or dismisses your needs, it’s a clear signal that you might not feel important in their life.
Feeling Heard
Do you feel heard by your partner? Being ignored or minimized can be incredibly painful. When it seems like your partner doesn’t care about your thoughts or feelings, resentment can build over time, eroding the healthy relationship you desire.
Understanding
How understood do you feel by your partner? Lack of understanding can lead to frustration when your partner doesn’t take the time to truly know you. When you feel misunderstood, it can result in loneliness, even when you’re together.
Validation
How often do you feel validated by your partner? Validation is crucial in any healthy relationship, as it means acknowledging each other’s emotions. Even if you don’t understand why your partner feels a certain way, it’s essential to validate their experience.
Empathy
Do you feel empathy from your partner? A relationship without empathy can feel devoid of care or concern for each other’s feelings. Your partner may be aware that something is painful for you but behaves as if they don’t care. This lack of empathy can be a deeply painful experience.
Love
How loved do you feel by your partner? When couples report low levels of feeling loved, they often reach a state of hopelessness. If you believe your partner doesn’t love you, it might be due to deficiencies in all the areas mentioned above.
If your scores are low in this exercise, it indicates deficiencies in your emotional safety. It’s also crucial to reflect on how you’re showing up in the relationship.
As highlighted in PsychCentral.com‘s article “7 Ways to Create Emotional Safety in Your Relationship”:
“Emotional safety goes both ways. When you feel emotionally safe and reveal your true self, it opens the door for your partner to do the same. And when both people in a relationship feel secure, it provides a safe environment where a deeper and more loving connection can form.”
If you’re worried about the level of emotional safety in your relationship, have a heart-to-heart with your partner. Encourage them to take this mini-assessment themselves. Explain that is a significant issue that, if left unchecked, can lead to the end of your relationship.
If necessary, consider couples counseling to help navigate these tricky waters. Therapy can provide a deeper exploration into your dynamic and offer tools to make positive changes. Understanding the impact of family origin can be an important piece of this puzzle. There are many undercurrents that can lead to challenges in creating, maintaining, and re-establishing emotional safety.
Building healthy relationships is a journey that requires effort, understanding, and the courage to confront issues head-on. By fostering emotional safety, you create a space where love can truly flourish.
If you’re interested in a self-help approach before committing to couples therapy, explore these resources:
Relationship Workbook for Couples: Workbook and Guide Proven to Improve Communication Skills, Build Trust, Deepen Intimacy, and Resolve Conflicts.
Recovery from Relationship Anxiety and Overthinking: Stop Being Anxious and Needy. Build Confidence, Self-Esteem and Break Negative Spirals
These insightful books offer practical tools and strategies to help you build confidence, boost your self-esteem, and break free from negative spirals that can hold you back. It’s like having a compassionate friend by your side, guiding you toward healthier, more fulfilling connections with yourselves and others. Whether you’re struggling with self-doubt or simply looking to enhance your personal growth journeys, these books are must-reads.
Also read: Are You Stuck in a Unhealthy Relationship?
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